In October of Nineteen-Eighty-Cock-A-Doodle-Two, Lester was born with lungs the size of a newborn baby's. His small, fragile body looked like sweet and sour pork. He couldnt even speak English. Things did not look good for little Lester.

But then he moved to Alaska. Despite it all, he triumphed over his weaknesses while never looking back. Against the harsh, unforgiving Alaskan landscape, he learned English. He learned how to play the saxophone. He learned how to love. He learned how to play the Titanic theme song on the recorder. With his nose. He even learned cursive. But he still routinely begins sentences with conjunctions. Oh, Lester! When will you learn?

When Lester was 16, he started a design firm; one that, like Lester himself, has survived against harrowing odds. Now, at the sprightly young age of 24 and measuring a height of six feet two-and-a-half inches, Lester has become a striking image of the modern-day success story, and christ-like to boot! His taste in music is unrivaled. It is for this reason that he is now judging the Nikiski Talent Show for the second year in a row.

Lester's dream in life is to someday become a Super Bowl MVP. His worst nightmare is that someday he'll get suckered in to riding on a cruise ship and then the crew will be all, Hey, why dont you go for a relaxing swim in the ocean? and then he'll get chopped up by the propellers. He lives with four cats, named Pussywillow Jenkins, Professor Fangsworth, Suckerpants Garfield, and Adam Segura. Adam is a tall cat with no fur or tail, two hands instead of front paws, two feet instead of back paws, opposable thumbs, guitar skills, and he wears clothes. His only cat-like feature is the ability to walk silently. You might say that Adam is not a cat at all, but rather Lester's human roommate with no discernible cat-like qualities (aside from the previously-mentioned silent walking ability). You wouldnt be mistaken. When Adam was a baby, he had webbed toes and fingers. You can watch a video of Adam breastfeeding Professor Fangsworth here.

Lester is a Libra. To learn more about Libras, watch this video.

Would you like to have a word with Lester? Email him.

Liar, Liar, Executive Pant-Suit on Fire

Hillary Clinton just keeps spreading misinformation about Barack Obama. And if she feels that her lies or attacks on him will damage her image, then she has her husband do it. I'm sick of it. And I'm just getting over pneumonia, but I feel like I'm going to make sick-in-a-bucket all over again. Thanks Hil'.

Her latest untruth is that Obama "really liked the ideas of the Republicans over the last ten to fifteen years." Hmm. If you look into what Obama actually said, you'd find that he thought the Republicans challenged the 'conventional wisdom' and succeeded in moving the country in a fundamentally different direction, and that Democrats can learn from that strategy. That we should be sending a clear message of optimism, and not the pessimism that's cloaked the Democratic party during the long dark years.

Clinton asserted that Obama was running campaign ads in Nevada telling Republicans they ought to just register as a Democrat for the day so they could beat Hillary, and then go out and be Republicans again the next week to vote in the primary.

This is so untrue it's insane that she got away with that statement. Obama never ran any ads like that. One person—one person acting completely independent of the Obama campaign!—printed a few flyers urging Republicans to vote in the Democratic primary (and the flyers were hideous. Poor typography, spelling mistakes, and a complete lack of lowercase letters. A preschooler could have recognized that it wasn't part of any official campaign). The fellow supposedly showed it to the Obama campaign and they wouldn't approve it.

But what would be so bad about Obama trying to appeal to Republicans in the first place? All the Republican politicians that I admire are the ones who try not to only appeal to their party, but to everyone, including the independents and us America-hatin' liberals. I've got lots of Republican friends (it's a requirement to living in Alaska), and I care very much about their opinions, even on topics that we disagree on. And even though I'm a liberal, I'd like to know that the progressive politicians I vote for respect the thoughts of Republicans as well. This isn't a country of liberals, or a country of conservatives; it's the United States of America, and we shouldn't try to make just one faction of the country happy. I admire Obama for trying to unite people.

There's so many nits to pick in Hillary Clinton's past, but for the most part Obama's stayed away from playing that game. Not Hillary. She's gone so far as to dig up essays Obama wrote in Kindergarten.

Clinton also said she wasn't going to campaign in South Carolina. But guess what? Yuppers.

We've had a Bush followed by a Clinton in the White House already. Right now we've got Bush 2, The Sequel (which was even worse than the first). Please don't give us a Clinton sequel. If she were to get the Democratic nomination, I'd most likely vote for her—but I wouldn't feel great about it. I'd just be doing it because I'd feel even less great about voting for John McCain, Mike Huckabee, or Mitt Romney. Give me someone better. Give me Obama, or give me back my barf bowl.


posted by Lester at 12:47 PM