In October of Nineteen-Eighty-Cock-A-Doodle-Two, Lester was born with lungs the size of a newborn baby's. His small, fragile body looked like sweet and sour pork. He couldnt even speak English. Things did not look good for little Lester.

But then he moved to Alaska. Despite it all, he triumphed over his weaknesses while never looking back. Against the harsh, unforgiving Alaskan landscape, he learned English. He learned how to play the saxophone. He learned how to love. He learned how to play the Titanic theme song on the recorder. With his nose. He even learned cursive. But he still routinely begins sentences with conjunctions. Oh, Lester! When will you learn?

When Lester was 16, he started a design firm; one that, like Lester himself, has survived against harrowing odds. Now, at the sprightly young age of 24 and measuring a height of six feet two-and-a-half inches, Lester has become a striking image of the modern-day success story, and christ-like to boot! His taste in music is unrivaled. It is for this reason that he is now judging the Nikiski Talent Show for the second year in a row.

Lester's dream in life is to someday become a Super Bowl MVP. His worst nightmare is that someday he'll get suckered in to riding on a cruise ship and then the crew will be all, Hey, why dont you go for a relaxing swim in the ocean? and then he'll get chopped up by the propellers. He lives with four cats, named Pussywillow Jenkins, Professor Fangsworth, Suckerpants Garfield, and Adam Segura. Adam is a tall cat with no fur or tail, two hands instead of front paws, two feet instead of back paws, opposable thumbs, guitar skills, and he wears clothes. His only cat-like feature is the ability to walk silently. You might say that Adam is not a cat at all, but rather Lester's human roommate with no discernible cat-like qualities (aside from the previously-mentioned silent walking ability). You wouldnt be mistaken. When Adam was a baby, he had webbed toes and fingers. You can watch a video of Adam breastfeeding Professor Fangsworth here.

Lester is a Libra. To learn more about Libras, watch this video.

Would you like to have a word with Lester? Email him.

Lester Critiques an iTunes Music Store Review, Vol. 1

REVIEW:




Yayyy =) 5 Stars!
by ThATsH0TTyoursonot
As a HUGE fan of Making the Band 3 im SO excited to finally hear Danity Kane's singleeeee...it's really a great song...just because I liked the show doesn't mean i should be in love with the music but i am in love with it and its greattttt and from hearing samples of other future songs on the show I CANT WAIT for their album this is definitely a very unique different group and thats a good thing <33
(Review of "Show Stopper (Promo Version)")

CRITIQUE:




I'm happy to hear that you're excited about the new Danity Kane single. Not a song I would ever be caught dead listening to, but to each their own. Now, if you're going to show how excited you are about stuff by repeating letters (i.e. "singleeeee" and "greattttt"), please, pick letters that we can actually pronounce, such as vowels in the middle of a word. Like, you might say "siiiiiingle!", or, "greeeeaaaat!" As hard as I try, I cannot pronounce "greattttt" without sounding like a stuttering coke fiend, and when I try to pronounce the silent E at the end of "singleeeeee", nary a sound escapeeeeeees. Unless you wanted me to pronounce it singly, but that's just ridiculous.

All the vowels in the alphabet (with the exception of ones used silently, such as the example I just pointed out) can be used to great effect by repeating them. Also, some consonants can be used as well. Here's a list:

C (when making an 'S' sound, such as "Mom, I just had an acccccccccccident! AND IT WAS IN MY PANTS!")
F ("I've gotta barf! I've gotta barfffffffffff! fff! fffffff!")
GH (when making an "F" sound - although, in this case, only the H needs to be repeated)
H (repeated H's add an extra-wheezy effect to any word)
L ("Go to HELLLLLLL!")
M (as in, "Mmmmm-MM that's a good tuna sandwich!")
N (as in, "Listening to Danity Kane while making out with my girlfriends during a slumber party is FUNNNNNN!")
R (Brrrrr)
S ("The lead singer of Danity Kane's got a phat asssss!")
V (Like, you could say, "I'm vvvvvvvvacuuming," if you were vacuuming and wanted somebody to know what it was you were doing, but you couldn't think of the word "vacuuming" immediately, but knew for certain that the word you were searching for started with a V)
W
X
Y
Z

Now that you know which letters can be repeated, and how and why to do it, why don't you just stop doing it altogether?

Also, one quick addendum: It's called punctuation, bitch. Use it.


posted by Lester at 1:49 AM