In October of Nineteen-Eighty-Cock-A-Doodle-Two, Lester was born with lungs the size of a newborn baby's. His small, fragile body looked like sweet and sour pork. He couldnt even speak English. Things did not look good for little Lester.

But then he moved to Alaska. Despite it all, he triumphed over his weaknesses while never looking back. Against the harsh, unforgiving Alaskan landscape, he learned English. He learned how to play the saxophone. He learned how to love. He learned how to play the Titanic theme song on the recorder. With his nose. He even learned cursive. But he still routinely begins sentences with conjunctions. Oh, Lester! When will you learn?

When Lester was 16, he started a design firm; one that, like Lester himself, has survived against harrowing odds. Now, at the sprightly young age of 24 and measuring a height of six feet two-and-a-half inches, Lester has become a striking image of the modern-day success story, and christ-like to boot! His taste in music is unrivaled. It is for this reason that he is now judging the Nikiski Talent Show for the second year in a row.

Lester's dream in life is to someday become a Super Bowl MVP. His worst nightmare is that someday he'll get suckered in to riding on a cruise ship and then the crew will be all, Hey, why dont you go for a relaxing swim in the ocean? and then he'll get chopped up by the propellers. He lives with four cats, named Pussywillow Jenkins, Professor Fangsworth, Suckerpants Garfield, and Adam Segura. Adam is a tall cat with no fur or tail, two hands instead of front paws, two feet instead of back paws, opposable thumbs, guitar skills, and he wears clothes. His only cat-like feature is the ability to walk silently. You might say that Adam is not a cat at all, but rather Lester's human roommate with no discernible cat-like qualities (aside from the previously-mentioned silent walking ability). You wouldnt be mistaken. When Adam was a baby, he had webbed toes and fingers. You can watch a video of Adam breastfeeding Professor Fangsworth here.

Lester is a Libra. To learn more about Libras, watch this video.

Would you like to have a word with Lester? Email him.

Lester Brings You the Best in Pinoy Culture, Vol. 1

This is going to be an ongoing feature where I, Lester (an attractive Alaskan with absolutely zero knowledge of Filipino culture), give you a fascinating glimpse into the beautiful island nation of the Philippines.

First off: Micah, Kyle and Sharlene sing the theme to "Calla Lily"


Commentary: HOLY FUCK, I want to adopt these kids so badly. I'd adopt the shit out of these kids. Watching them sing, you just know that they live a spotless, sin-free life and you'd never even have to discipline them or hit them with belts. And think of all the things they could teach me! That's the beauty of parenting.

Also, I love how the host is like, "Thank you very much Micah, Kyle atsy Sharlene munkabunkadunka stars leebunkaqunka Calla Lily, would you like to dfadjkejekjkekkkejfdje?" (If someone could actually write down what she says for me so I don't sound like a racist asshole, that would be great. Thanks in advance - or as they say in the Philippines, "Muchas gracias, señorita.")

In next week's Lester Brings You the Best in Pinoy Culture, look forward to a very exciting look into the seemingly innocuous, yet sometimes scandalous Pinoy Big Brother reality show.


posted by Lester at 4:38 AM