I'm an Obama supporter, and I was so proud and overwhelmed by all the amazing people who showed up to support him at our local Democratic caucus. Many people showed up whom I never would have imagined supporting a Democrat. I won't name any names so you can continue to live harmoniously with your Republican brethren.

I was, however, surprised and dismayed at some of the reasons people refuse to support Hillary Clinton. Everything from "she's a woman," to "just look in her eyes—she's evil," and "just look at her hair—she's evil."

I'm far from Hillary's biggest fan, and I've written anti-Hillary pieces in the past, but I'd like to see some rational thought go into why people support their candidates. For me, I'd much rather support someone who didn't vote to send us to this war. That's one reason I voted for Barack. Also, he voted in support of a bill to ban the military's use of cluster bombs in civilian areas. Cluster bombs routinely kill civilians, are counter-intuitive to rebuilding war-torn communities, and are banned by 150 countries. Hillary voted against the ban, so as not to appear "soft on terror." Obama calculated morally. Clinton calculated politically.

I also support Obama because I think he's got a much better chance of beating John "More wars! War war war war war! I'm John McCain and I approve this message" McCain. Believe it or not, that's his God-given name. Check his birth certificate.

These are just a few of many reasons to support Obama over Clinton. Heck, even Hillary's past service on Wal-Mart's board of directors seems to me to be a much better reason for not supporting her than the popular "just look in her eyes." However, there are also reasons to support Clinton over Obama, and I respect anyone's choice to support her, too. It has to be difficult to be a woman running for President, and it's exciting that our Democratic frontrunners are a woman and an African-American.

Obama really needed to survive Super Tuesday to remain viable, and he did. He also swept the states that had caucuses and primaries this last weekend. The gambling sites are favoring Obama in getting the nomination. If, however, Hillary Clinton gets the nomination, I will fight hard for her. That's another reason I'm supporting Obama—if he gets the nomination, I won't have to fight so hard.

Hillary Clinton just keeps spreading misinformation about Barack Obama. And if she feels that her lies or attacks on him will damage her image, then she has her husband do it. I'm sick of it. And I'm just getting over pneumonia, but I feel like I'm going to make sick-in-a-bucket all over again. Thanks Hil'.

Her latest untruth is that Obama "really liked the ideas of the Republicans over the last ten to fifteen years." Hmm. If you look into what Obama actually said, you'd find that he thought the Republicans challenged the 'conventional wisdom' and succeeded in moving the country in a fundamentally different direction, and that Democrats can learn from that strategy. That we should be sending a clear message of optimism, and not the pessimism that's cloaked the Democratic party during the long dark years.

Clinton asserted that Obama was running campaign ads in Nevada telling Republicans they ought to just register as a Democrat for the day so they could beat Hillary, and then go out and be Republicans again the next week to vote in the primary.

This is so untrue it's insane that she got away with that statement. Obama never ran any ads like that. One person—one person acting completely independent of the Obama campaign!—printed a few flyers urging Republicans to vote in the Democratic primary (and the flyers were hideous. Poor typography, spelling mistakes, and a complete lack of lowercase letters. A preschooler could have recognized that it wasn't part of any official campaign). The fellow supposedly showed it to the Obama campaign and they wouldn't approve it.

But what would be so bad about Obama trying to appeal to Republicans in the first place? All the Republican politicians that I admire are the ones who try not to only appeal to their party, but to everyone, including the independents and us America-hatin' liberals. I've got lots of Republican friends (it's a requirement to living in Alaska), and I care very much about their opinions, even on topics that we disagree on. And even though I'm a liberal, I'd like to know that the progressive politicians I vote for respect the thoughts of Republicans as well. This isn't a country of liberals, or a country of conservatives; it's the United States of America, and we shouldn't try to make just one faction of the country happy. I admire Obama for trying to unite people.

There's so many nits to pick in Hillary Clinton's past, but for the most part Obama's stayed away from playing that game. Not Hillary. She's gone so far as to dig up essays Obama wrote in Kindergarten.

Clinton also said she wasn't going to campaign in South Carolina. But guess what? Yuppers.

We've had a Bush followed by a Clinton in the White House already. Right now we've got Bush 2, The Sequel (which was even worse than the first). Please don't give us a Clinton sequel. If she were to get the Democratic nomination, I'd most likely vote for her—but I wouldn't feel great about it. I'd just be doing it because I'd feel even less great about voting for John McCain, Mike Huckabee, or Mitt Romney. Give me someone better. Give me Obama, or give me back my barf bowl.

...and also lie about having a girlfriend to cover for the fact that I'm, like, so obviously very, very fabulously gay.

Okay, so I found this offensive, racist video on YouTube:


and I left a comment basically asking why he brought up Jennifer Lopez's race at all (sure, she does have some of the problems he mentions, but that has nothing to do with her race), and spent the rest of the comment dissecting his poor grammar (because, of course he wouldn't respond to any sort of legitimate discussion on race).

He deleted the comment. Then he left a comment on my YouTube profile saying that I "obviously" didn't "get" the video, and that I was "obviously" a child molester, and needed to quit touching little boys. Seriously. So I left a comment on his profile that said, "Obviously." and left it at that.

But wait, I couldn't just leave it at that. So I sent him a message:

Subject: Grammar

Message: Here, I'm going to quote comments you've left on other accounts:

"you [sic] such a dumb nigger that you did not get the message of the videos. i know thinking is hard for a monkey like you, but, if you stopped throwing yor [sic] poop long enought [sic] to get the message you might just empress [sic] all you [sic] relatives at the zoo."

"you are a dumb nigger that needs to calm down. what happened to the good old days when a lippy jig like you got sprayed with the fire hose. [sic] lets [sic] hope those days soon return."

"you are a stupid bastard that is obviously threatened by me. if your [sic] not a nigger you are definitely as dumb as one."

It's called grammar, bitch. Learn it. Use it. Love it.

Then, today, I get this message in my YouTube inbox:

Subject: Homo

Message: It's obvious that you are as queer as a three-dollar bill. But even sadder is that you seem to be quite proud of it. Instead of being on youtube every night because you cant find a boyfriend. Can you find a fellow fudge packer? You seem to have be banished form the gay community. Why don't you try online dating? It's perfect for you because not only can they not see your face, but, they don't get the sense (because the you can only type) that you have a bad personality. You could also hit up some of you online dungeons and dragons friends for a date because I'm guessing one of them has to be a homo just like you. It would probably be wiser for you to look for a male relationship then spend your Saturday's looking up all of someone's (that surely took hours) comments lecturing people about their grammar. That's just sad, how much time and effort you put in to that. I truly feel sorry for you. And since fellow fags aren't exactly beating down the door to date you might want to put all your effort in that arena.

To which I replied (this is where I lie about having a girlfriend, guys. Also, if you could help me find one who doesn't fucking party too much, that'd be awesome and I would love you and your lovable face forever):

Subject: Re: Homo

Message: Haha, that's funny. My girlfriend (wait, shouldn't I say "girlfriends"? Because that's what gay people have, right? Girlfriends, plural? I'm pretty sure that's what they have. I mean, we. Oopsy-daisy! That's another sign that I'm obviously gay. Straight people would never, ever say that.) (I need to take a breath really quick, that was a long parenthetical. Sorry about that. Never split up a sentence with a parenthetical that long and ridiculous. A thousand apologies! Oopsy-daisy, I'm doing it again!) and I (I'll wait while you find your place in this sentence that's quickly getting overrun by parentheticals!) were amazed by how precisely you captured my personality! It's like you know me, or wait, it's like you're INSIDE ME! Holy fuck, I think my butt just came! Because that's what gay peoples' butts do, right? Cum? I think so, but maybe this fagola's just a little too used to pussy to really be an expert.

Love forever and ever and ever!
-Les

P.S. Kisses!

I think I may have just found my new online boyfriend guys!!!

SWAK,
-Les

P.S. To those of you who don't know me well enough to know when I'm joking, I want you to know, I'm not gay. But I very well might turn gay for this guy. Seriously, I think we've found a true winner. Someone who will hold me when I need to be held, and who will always treat me with the respect a woman needs.

Also, enough with the racism and homophobia, people! Get an education and quit hating people for being different than you.

Your friend and mine (more so mine though, probably), Miss Brita West, was a very special guest star in the second episode of the second season of Showtime's excellent show, Weeds.

In the first scene, Mary Louise Parker is listening to a fellow talk about different strains of marijuana. Look in the background for yo' homegirl Brita!

In the second scene, she judges marijuana next to a deadhead. In this one scene, she totally steals the show, as well as the hearts of millions.

And now, Season 2, Episode 2, with all the crappy parts edited out. Enjoy!

2001


A few days ago...

That's right, Down's Syndrome. Not Down Syndrome, like so many people are apt to spell it. I should know. I have it.

Okay, the doctor didn't really tell me that I have it. I figured it out on my own. It all of a sudden dawned on me (or is it "donned" on me? They both look wrong and there's no way I can trust myself to know which one's correct considering my limited mental capacities and chubby face) when I was playing Bubble Bobble today. I beat the first level, then realized that I never even knew Bubble Bobble had 'levels'. I thought you just played the first level forever. I can't believe I'd never beat the first level before.

Next you'll tell me Super Mario Bros. has multiple levels. Yeah right, I may have Down's Syndrome, but I'm not a retard.

Or maybe I am a retard. Another epiphany I had was that, maybe I've lived my whole life as a retard and nobody's ever told me. Or maybe they were serious all those times that they did call me a retard. Because, come to think about it, people have called me a retard. Shit.

But how do I explain all the advanced classes I took in high school? Oh yeah, that's right. I didn't take advanced classes in high school, except for English. But I failed 10th grade English, so that sort of cancels out the advanced one. These blog postings also probably cancel out the advanced English class.

Here's a list of random evidence that prove I am, in fact, a retard (but first, a note: several of these items really require a level of explaining that I'm not willing to go into in this blog post, but I might dedicate future posts to some of these topics.):

• I once played a saxophone solo in front of my church without realizing that my penis was exposed.
• I once shit the bed in a $1,600-per-night hotel room. The walls were accented with gold leaf everywhere, I had large windows that overlooked all of Portland, there were three crystal chandeliers in my room alone, and the doormen all knew my name. Also, the sheets were 600-thread-count and I have no idea if they threw them out afterward or not.
• I once unintentionally took a drink from a bottle of my own urine when I lived in Washington.
• Until I was five or six I thought that peanut butter was made out of chewed-up Ritz crackers, so I'd chew up a cracker, spread it on another cracker, and then eat it.
• My mom read me to sleep every night until the sixth grade.
• The first time I took my driver's test, a cat ran out in front of my car. And what did I do? I accidentally stepped on the motherfucking gas. This story does not have a happy ending.

This series of epiphanies I had today came with a silver lining, though. Now that I know how to play Bubble Bobble—and am not just randomly shooting bubbles everywhere and then dying ten seconds into the game—I've found out that I'm really good at it. Too good, perhaps. I actually have to try to die in order to finally get a game over. Let's see Corky Thacher say that.

Wow, James Brown, Gerald Ford and Saddam Hussein all in one week. I guess these things really do come in threes.

That'll show 'em for knockin' down 'dem towers!

I really, really thought that it was likely that Saddam was somehow going to escape our clutches last minute and regain control of Iraq. Oh well. Now I have to wait until January 22nd for Prison Break to come back on Fox.

Tonight, a moment of silence, followed by a rousing game of hangman.

Saddam Hussein, 1937-2006. A man who so desperately wanted friends.

Leslie, I don't think I can bring myself to delete you from my AIM buddy list, just in case you might return.

Okay, I can understand why attractive people would set their MySpace profiles to private. I don't approve, but I understand nonetheless. What I can't seem to wrap my head around is why ugly people would set their profiles to private!

As many of you already know, I'm writing a novel at the moment and it's been picked up by a publisher to be published next year. I've been doing way too many section rewrites right now, way too little "new" writing, and am getting kind of panicky, but all in all, I know it'll get done. Here's a short excerpt from what I wrote today:



A repetition of fleurs-de-lis embossed on the thin, white linen curtains radiated sunlight, casting a glowing field of lilies on the beige carpet of Elmer's new apartment. Elmer and Jude both agreed that it was a cool effect, but that the curtains were ugly. Jude slowly walked over and opened them, taking in the sights.

"You've got an awesome view, man, he said. Elmer's new dwelling was fifteen stories up—sixteen, if you counted the lobby—and from his eight-by-five foot windows, you could see three bridges and all of downtown Portland.

"Well, you want to start carrying stuff up now?" Elmer asked.
Jude shrugged.

"Okay, then," Elmer grinned and headed for the door. Fifteen floors down (sixteen, if you counted the lobby), and two blocks away (three, if you counted the left turn you make at the stop sign), was Elmer's Taurus station wagon. As he opened the door, his cell phone rang. "Hello?"

---

Work didn't start for another fifteen minutes, so Sarah poured herself a mug of Grape-Nuts she had brought from home. She worked at The Soup Coop, a fast food restaurant in Tacoma that served nothing but drinkable soup in tall mugs. They had a drive-thru that served soup in soft drink cups with straws. It was a terrible job. "Why do they call it Grape-Nuts? There's no grapes or nuts in it." Her glasses slid down her nose.

"It had something to do with Mr. Post, the guy who founded Post cereal," Charlie replied. Charlie was boyishly attractive and Sarah loved him. She loved every minute working with him. It was a wonderful job. "Look at the ingredients, there should be something that starts with an M. Malto-something." Sarah looked, but Charlie grabbed the box. "There. Maltose. When the Post guy tasted that ingredient, he thought it tasted like nuts, but that ingredient was also referred to at the time by people in the cereal biz as 'grape sugar', so, being the clever guy that he was, he called it Grape-Nuts." Charlie was full of these kinds of random facts that he'd picked up during the 19 years since he squeezed out of his mom's womb. Charlie was the sexiest man alive.

"You're making that up." Sarah knew he wasn't.

"No I'm not, I swear." Charlie smiled, killing Sarah instantly. He continued. "By today's standards, Post could get in serious trouble for calling a cereal Grape-Nuts, if it weren't for that hyphen. The who's-its... the FTC! could sue them for false advertising if they had used a space instead of a hyphen, but some food bill something-or-other of 1906 declared that the hyphen made the name fanciful rather than deceitful."

Sarah was in heaven, but then Charlie's cell phone went off and his focus changed, sending her straight back to the hell of The Soup Coop. What a piece of shit job.

"Oh, hey man." Charlie looked in Sarah's general direction, then turned and walked to the kitchen. He didn't even look directly at her before he left, which was all she wanted. Charlie was a selfish assfucker.

---
©2006 Lester Nelson

If I could express the mood I'm in right now using internet shorthand, i.e. LOL or OMG, every other letter would be F and all the others would be the first letters of very angry words. Also, none of the Fs would stand for "floor".

Letter to Apple regarding my new iPod shuffle.

Dear Apple,
Sorry, too small.
Love,
-Les

This is me, testing out the built-in iSight video camera in my new MacBook for the first time.

REVIEW:

Yayyy =) 5 Stars!
by ThATsH0TTyoursonot
As a HUGE fan of Making the Band 3 im SO excited to finally hear Danity Kane's singleeeee...it's really a great song...just because I liked the show doesn't mean i should be in love with the music but i am in love with it and its greattttt and from hearing samples of other future songs on the show I CANT WAIT for their album this is definitely a very unique different group and thats a good thing <33
(Review of "Show Stopper (Promo Version)")

CRITIQUE:

I'm happy to hear that you're excited about the new Danity Kane single. Not a song I would ever be caught dead listening to, but to each their own. Now, if you're going to show how excited you are about stuff by repeating letters (i.e. "singleeeee" and "greattttt"), please, pick letters that we can actually pronounce, such as vowels in the middle of a word. Like, you might say "siiiiiingle!", or, "greeeeaaaat!" As hard as I try, I cannot pronounce "greattttt" without sounding like a stuttering coke fiend, and when I try to pronounce the silent E at the end of "singleeeeee", nary a sound escapeeeeeees. Unless you wanted me to pronounce it singly, but that's just ridiculous.

All the vowels in the alphabet (with the exception of ones used silently, such as the example I just pointed out) can be used to great effect by repeating them. Also, some consonants can be used as well. Here's a list:

C (when making an 'S' sound, such as "Mom, I just had an acccccccccccident! AND IT WAS IN MY PANTS!")
F ("I've gotta barf! I've gotta barfffffffffff! fff! fffffff!")
GH (when making an "F" sound - although, in this case, only the H needs to be repeated)
H (repeated H's add an extra-wheezy effect to any word)
L ("Go to HELLLLLLL!")
M (as in, "Mmmmm-MM that's a good tuna sandwich!")
N (as in, "Listening to Danity Kane while making out with my girlfriends during a slumber party is FUNNNNNN!")
R (Brrrrr)
S ("The lead singer of Danity Kane's got a phat asssss!")
V (Like, you could say, "I'm vvvvvvvvacuuming," if you were vacuuming and wanted somebody to know what it was you were doing, but you couldn't think of the word "vacuuming" immediately, but knew for certain that the word you were searching for started with a V)
W
X
Y
Z

Now that you know which letters can be repeated, and how and why to do it, why don't you just stop doing it altogether?

Also, one quick addendum: It's called punctuation, bitch. Use it.

The Temptations once belted out a song called, "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." In this song, they sing that "... baby there ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no valley low enough," and to drop the cherry atop this sweet little ice cream sundae, they add, "ain't no river wide enough, to keep me from gettin' to you babe."

I believe the lyrics to this song would have been far more meaningful had they been written in a day and age when we had no airplanes, helicopters and boats.

This is going to be an ongoing feature where I, Lester (an attractive Alaskan with absolutely zero knowledge of Filipino culture), give you a fascinating glimpse into the beautiful island nation of the Philippines.

First off: Micah, Kyle and Sharlene sing the theme to "Calla Lily"


Commentary: HOLY FUCK, I want to adopt these kids so badly. I'd adopt the shit out of these kids. Watching them sing, you just know that they live a spotless, sin-free life and you'd never even have to discipline them or hit them with belts. And think of all the things they could teach me! That's the beauty of parenting.

Also, I love how the host is like, "Thank you very much Micah, Kyle atsy Sharlene munkabunkadunka stars leebunkaqunka Calla Lily, would you like to dfadjkejekjkekkkejfdje?" (If someone could actually write down what she says for me so I don't sound like a racist asshole, that would be great. Thanks in advance - or as they say in the Philippines, "Muchas gracias, señorita.")

In next week's Lester Brings You the Best in Pinoy Culture, look forward to a very exciting look into the seemingly innocuous, yet sometimes scandalous Pinoy Big Brother reality show.